ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
