Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
