Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
