i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
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I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
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That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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