Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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