i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
