Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
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