I want you more than these girls want KFC
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
ok first of all what the fuck
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
