i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
