Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
