I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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