I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
