my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
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