Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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