woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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