If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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