Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Randomize
