Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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