So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
