i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
