I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Randomize
