Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
