got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
