remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
