now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
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