Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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