She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
