Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
