Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
