No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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