Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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