You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
