The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
