if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i think i have herpe
just one?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
