Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
