it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
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shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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