did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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