thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
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