were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
