It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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