I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
