i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
