my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.