i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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