someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
