I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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