...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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