remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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