Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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