genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
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I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
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My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I love you.
Bad choice
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