Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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