what if every blade of grass was a penis?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
