i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
