yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
