it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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