please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
