wat bout pragnant strippers??
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
