I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
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