This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
